I Hate My Life

How many church leaders will freely admit they feel that way many times a day? I will. How many of us who spend our lives buried in the Word of God will admit we sometimes feel God isn’t near? I will. Yes, I love to study God’s Word. I love to write about God’s Word. I love to share Jesus with others, but that doesn’t stop me from having days when I feel hopeless. That doesn’t stop me from having weeks or even months when I feel worthless.

Me and my husband had the privilege of hearing guest speaker, Jim Cymbala, from The Brooklyn Tabernacle, at our church this past Wednesday evening. His message was on the weak who are strong. Why is it as leaders, we think we have to have it all together? Why are we afraid to show vulnerability? We see all throughout Scripture where the greatest heroes in the Bible were people who had no choice but to rely on God. They were people who were considered “losers”. But time and time again, so many church leaders today are cocky. They’re arrogant. They’re afraid to share truths about themselves.  I won’t be afraid.

Earlier this year, I spent months in a depression that came out of nowhere and I could not shake it. I wish I could post a video of how much I pray and spend time in the Bible and Bible commentaries. I feel I have a solid understanding of God’s Word as a growing disciple. But still the depression hit me and I was a total mess for months. I look back and see it was an attack by the enemy. I was on the verge of achieving something great for God’s Kingdom. But I got through it, and God’s Kingdom is stronger for it. How did I get through it? I never STOPPED praying. I never stopped studying. I never stopped crying out to God. I never stopped believing God’s love for me. That’s the exact point Jim Cymbala was trying to make. We are weak! I am weak. Why are we afraid to admit that?

At the end of service, Jim Cymbala gave an altar call. Me and my husband went forward. We have no pressing needs. We went up to pray that we never stop seeking God no matter what happens in our lives. Oh friends, the day I stop seeking God will be worst than the depression I went through! I am a weak person and I love it. No I don’t hate my life. I hate the idea of trying to live my life without my loving Savior. If you’re depressed don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Never stop seeking God. Sometimes He sends an army of people to get us through situations, and that could be with professional Biblical counseling.

1 Corinthians 15:57 “Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”.



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