But My Heart Is Willing…Speak For I am Listening
Saleama A. Ruvalcaba
To continue from Monday’s post on worry, let us try to understand why we worry. Could it possibly have something to do with lack of trust in God? Most of us will say with our mouths we trust God – but do our actions speak otherwise? I finally had to admit one day that, yes I believe in God – His Word, – His miracles – His death and Resurrection – but – I did not trust Him in my life. I believed He would answer the prayers of other people – but not mine. I believe He parted the Red Sea – that He made the sun stand still – that fire rained from heaven – but I did not believe He would truly rescue me from the inner pit of hell I constantly lived in.
1 Samuel 9:2 “There was a man of Benjamin whose name was Kish the son of Abiel, the son of Aphiah, a Benjamite, a mighty man of power. And he had a choice and handsome son whose name was Saul.”
The people of Israel had demanded a king to rule over them. God finally allowed them to choose their own path. He would not deliver them from the trouble they would inevitably endure. He heard their demand and gave them a king.
There was no one more handsome man than Saul – the new king. He stood tall and had broad shoulders. He was a wealthy landowner and had great potential for leadership. However, more often than not, we are taught the many failings of Saul. We are taught that Israel got what they asked for – a corrupt king. Looking closer into the life of Saul – is it possible we can see a glimpse of ourselves? We have the potential for greatness too, but fail often. When Saul obeyed the Lord, he saw great success as a leader, however, when he chose otherwise he saw great failures.
When Saul saw his empire crumbling before his eyes he became indignant. He became jealous. He would stop at nothing to regain his glory. But when it was all said and done – the truth is, Saul was never sensitive to God’s Spirit. Saul did not fully trust God.
1 Samuel 13:14 “The Lord has sought for himself a man after His own heart.”
I can speak for myself on this subject and say I can relate to Saul. There are times I feel I am totally in tune to God’s Spirit, and I consider myself a woman after God’s heart. There are times I feel God is using me for His great purpose. There are times I see great victory in my life which brings glory to God. But then there are times I run my own race. There are times I take on too much and say I am doing the Lord’s work. There are times I feel inadequate and try to make something happen outside of God’s plan for my life. There are times I scream and yell at God for allowing my life to fall apart. Just like Saul – the truth is – I no longer am sensitive to God’s Spirit, and thus, lose my trust in God.
One morning I received an email from church. A pastor suggested I contact the media department about an open position. This particular pastor had seen some of my “hobby” movie devotions and thought very highly of them. I was elated that he would even consider I contact our church’s media department. Our church has an outstanding media ministry and it would have been a total honor to be part of it. Well, without prayer to God, I instantly contacted the media department. They responded right away and asked that I send in any work I have. Again, without prayer to God, I instantly sent my films in – and – that was it. I never heard from them again.
To say I was angry with God would be a huge understatement. I felt like I had an invisible face laughing at me. I would have never applied for any open position at my church. However, to have a pastor randomly contact me and ask me to contact the media department – I felt was a divine situation. To be able to create movies for our church on a regular basis would have been such a blessing, yet – in my anger, I had resolved to never serve God again!
James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
Why was I angry at God? Easy answer; I have an issue trusting God.
You see, everything that comes into your life, even if it seems good, is not necessarily from God. If my trust in God would have been sound, I would have prayed to God first before I had contacted the media ministry. After prayer, I would have realized I had no capacity to take on that type of position at that time in my life. I had many responsibilities to my husband, my children (who are homeschooled) and my commitment to other ministries. What was I thinking?
I wasn’t thinking.
I lost sight of God’s direct purpose for me. If I am being totally honest, a home educator, homemaker didn’t sound as glamorous as a movie media producer at a huge mega church. My trust in God for that moment was wrapped up in what I thought gave me purpose. Maybe one day I will work in media ministries – but that was clearly not the time for me!
Saul went on his own path because he did not trust God. And for Saul, he never made it back to God. That does not have to be the same faith for me – or you.
There is something so beautiful about a woman who can sit tall and know she lives in the Spirit each day. There is something beautiful about a woman who knows God will never forsake her.
There is something so inviting about a woman who can say, even though I don’t get it Lord – I trust you anyway!
Are you walking in God’s Spirit today?
Do you trust God?